Fanfiction Failure

Well the Pit's full of it, so I have to start somewhere. Since this is my first blog of this kind, I'll start small. I'm not going to take the lazy way out and review something where 99% of the fans don't have a basic grasp of the English language or intelligence above that of a grapefruit. Therefore, at least for now, no Naruto, Twilight, or large communities like that. Nope, I'm picking on the little guys this time. This week: Tower Prep. Our story: Darkni always has family. God, just looking at this title I know this is going to be painful.


Some back-story on the show first. It was a live action show on Cartoon Network about students at a secretive boarding school for teenagers with special abilities. The main cast from left to right: Ian, a recent arrival at Tower with the ability to see a few seconds into the future with an ability called preflex. Suki, a girl who can mimic any voice she hears and the daughter of a donner to the school. Gabe, a guy with the ability to pursaude almost anyone. And finally CJ, the human lie detector.


Anyways our story starts off with our protagonist (who I will resist calling Mary-Sue) Angelyn having a normal night.

Well, I'm back, again. This time with fewer injuries, no broken leg or broken arm, just scratches and a gunshot graze on my cheek. Nothing on Facebook, figures. She thought. She put in her brother's name and looked at his profile.

First off, the fuck? Who is this and why should I care about her? Those questions aside, why the fuck is she talking about that like its no big deal. Anyway, lets just forget about that shitty little intro and move on to the poor excuse for a plot. So she goes and is taken to Tower and she meets with Suki.

"It's you, Suki." She ran up from the bed and hugged Suki.

"I missed you Angelyn."

"I missed you, too Suki. I can't believe it, you disappeared and I never heard a word from you again. Does he know?" We released from the hug and Suki looked Angelyn in the eye.

Gah, this fails so hard. Not too much to say other than 'Wait, what?' Also, its stated that Suki is her cousin. And she has a brother at Tower Prep already. Unless the author has another crappy Sue set up here, I spy canon rape 'round the corner. Plus note the change from third person to first. So moving on to another line just bathed in fail:

"I know my cousin I know and no I have not told him yet. That reminds me, you have to go see him."

I'm sorry, what? This line makes no sense. Its given by Suki. Reading it again made me realize that the problem not only comes from a missing comma, but the sheer amount of stupidity behind it. Well Mary-Sue  Angelyn is excited to see her brother.

"Eh, I don't care I want to see, Kuya!" Kuya means brother in Tagalog. See, Angelyn took her mom's genes, but her Kuya took his genes. And you can see the huge difference.

 Thank you for that random lesson in Tagalog. The first hint of Angelyn's appearance. This can only end badly. So Angelyn meets Ian and the others. And guess who her brother is, of the two male leads. If you said neither, well, I wish. Nope.

"Ok, guys I have a surprise for you." Suki slid off the hood and smiled. Two of the figures looked confused while the other's eyes widened. 

"Angelyn?" The bewildered figure asked. 

"Hello again Kuya Ian." I say with a smile.

Ignoring the awkward perspective switch again, what the hell author? I want you to look at that picture above. Look really hard. Does Ian look the slightest bit Filipino to you? If you said yes, you obviously have no idea what a Filipino looks like. This is a Fililpino twenty-something:

This is Drew Van Acker, the guy who plays Ian:

DOES HE LOOK THE SLIGHTEST BIT ASIAN TO YOU? The answer to that is a fat-assed NO! They don't even look like they could be cousins, let alone siblings, do they? This piece of shit is completely calling my suspension of disbelief in to question. 

Anyway, its probably suppose to be that they're half siblings, but really it doesn't matter at this point. The author is way too unclear about their actual sibling status for me to actually put some effort into thinking about it.

Back to this shitfest. I'm half tempted to give up, but only one more chapter so far, so I'll muscle through it.

"Well, um," I stuttered "Suki is our cousin." I said so quickly I would be surprised if he heard, but he did. His eyes bulged out. 

"What?" Everyone at the table but Suki and I yelled. Some people, looked at us, but then resumed eating. 

"Wait, Ang, how did you know Ian was here?" Suki said. My brows scrunched up in confusion.

Wait, what? So Ian knows Angelyn is his sister and she knows that Suki's her cousin. THEN HOW THE FUCK DIDN'T IAN KNOW THAT SUKI IS HIS COUSIN. Also Suki's Japanese, not Filipino to continue on my racial fail tanget. And good question Suki. The answer: No one cares. But no seriously, this is how:  

"Suks, you told me, well more to yourself." I said slowly.

"I didn't say it, I thought it." Suki said confused. Realization dawned on the boy named Gabriel's face.

"You can read minds!" He yelled out "Here, let's test it, what am I thinking about." I concentrated on his mind. She drinks black coffee? Wow.

 

"Yes, I do drink black coffee." I said taking a huge gulp, leaving it half way. Gabriel's eyes widened.

"Woah, that was exactly what I thought. Awsome, man."

 I'll ignore the bastardization of Gabe to pick out a finer detail: This scene is not only dumb and pointless, but it gives us a ridiculously powered character. See there was a reason I called her a Mary-Sue. Not just because I didn't like her. But wait, there's more:

"Isn't that hot?" CJ said. 

"Not to me." I said shrugging "Here feel it." Gabriel reached out his index and middle fingers to touch it, he barely even touched it and he cried out in pain. He put his two fingers into his mouth and said, 

"Ow, that hurt!" But since his fingers were in his mouth, it came out "Ow, thwat hwrut." I laughed and then said, 

"It doesn't really hurt for me." I said and CJ's eyes widened. 

"Wait, you can't feel heat? Has fire ever touched you, but you never got affected?" 

"Yeah, when I got kidnapped for like the third time, my kidnappers doused me in gasoline and lit me on fire. The flames were on me, but it felt like I was just sitting near a fireplace on a cold winter day." I said shrugging. CJ's eyes widened even more, if that was even possible. 

So this chick gets kidnapped not once, not twice, but three fucking times? Where does she live, Tijuana? Ignoring the fact that it'd be stupid to kidnap someone three times, she just completely shrugs it off like its some kind of play date. Also, its stupid for kidnappers to try to kill a hostage, especially in such an obvious manner. They should have just slit her throat. It would have saved the world from this monstrosity of a story.

"Wait, kidnapped? And for the third time?" Ian exclaimed and I just shrugged my shoulders. 

Apparently Ian feels the same way I did. Also isn't this suppose to be her brother? How do you not know you're sister's missing. I can just imagine this conversation at the breakfast table.


"Mom, have you seen Angelyn?"


"No she's been kidnapped."


"Tell her to get some cereal while she's out."


Again, my suspension of disbelief is thrown completely out the window and curb stomped to death by the author and her stupidity. 

"C-can you light things on fire with your hand or any body part?" CJ said, I thought about it and said, 

"Well, there was this one time when I was seven and Ian was eight. I accidentally light his pants on fire when I was going to tug his pants a bit to gets his attention…" 

I laughed recalling that day, the others laughed at that,too, but CJ's eyes bulged out so much, I thought they would fall out of her sockets.

 Yes its funny that you almost kill your brother with you're stupid Mary-Sue powers. Go on, laugh it up you morons. So far CJ's the only one who has the reaction of a normal person, but its completely out of character for her so the author gets no points for realism there.

"Y-you're a Darkni." She stuttered out. 

"Excuse me, but I'm a what?" I said confused.

That was my reaction to. Apparently I'll have to wait for the author to clarify. The explanation is far from satisfying:

"You're a Darkni; it's having the ability of Darkniramus, Darkni for short. You have super strength; you can read minds and torture them through it. You don't get affected by heat, but by the exception of the heat from the sun. You can control the five elements, earth, air, fire, and water. You can set things ablaze, but on a human, you can only set their clothing on fire not the whole body." Just as she finished, someone burst through the double-doors, nobody looked, as if it were normal, but in came a familiar face I hated to see every time I did, or in this case, do.

Ok, first off: way too much exposition. Secondly: Too much conveniently delivered exposition. So CJ just happens to know about whatever race/magical species/cult/whatever Angelyn is a part of? Why does she know? How does she know about them? Why has no one else heard of it? And is she really Filipina after all this? All of these would be important questions if I cared.


These are all alright powers, but not in the realm of Tower Prep. Almost all abilities are physical, and students only have one ability. Also they're all piled together to make for one fail of character who was already too power before this info dump. And just being able to light someone's clothes on fire is stupid.


Also, the author just made up whatever the hell a Darkni is. It sounds like a Digimon shipping to me. You can't just make up something and slap it in a fanfiction with no just cause or reasoning. That's what original fiction is for. I'd be a little more forgiving of this character (key word little), hell this story in general, if it wasn't fanfiction. It the author was legitimately trying to come up with her own ideas in her own universe, it'd be mediocre at best, but it would have more merit than a lazy, poorly written fanfiction with character's names tacked on to bland stand ins. 


The chapter ends on a cliffhanger (if you can call it that) with a mysterious figure walking in and taunting Angelyn.


Thus ends the story, for now. I'm sure the author has intentions of continuing this car crash of a story. And I'll be here to snark it. Also 10 bucks says the mystery character at the end is Ray, a bully in the show. And another 10 bucks that he'll be poorly written and out-of-character. Also fun fact: Suki's actress is really 30 and Ian's actor is 25.