Darkni always have family Pt. 2

That's right! This girl wasn't content just leaving this to fester and die like some other stories. Nope, the shitfest continues. Thus giving me another entry cronicling the horrors of the Pit. I'm tackling the next 2 chapters of this mockery of a pretty good show. 

A quick recap on what's happened so far: Angelyn goes to Tower Prep after nearly being killed. Again. She's related to not one, but two canon characters. Ian as her brother and Suki as her cousin. She's got a wide medley of powers, most of which don't appear in Tower Prep, or don't seem feasible within the realm. And she's confronted by a mysterious figure at the end of the second chapter. 

Well dear readers, we're at a stalemate as far as the bet I made last time. No it wasn't Ray who's the mystery character, but Jeremy. And yes he's out of character and poorly written. So no one wins. Also the author called me out. Is it somewhat odd that I feel flattered? Maybe, but that's neither here nor there. Onward ho! We're diving head on into this bucket of shit.

We start off the 3rd chapter with Jeremy's appearance:

"Why are you here Jeremy?" I said as he smirked.

 "Well for one, I go here." He said as he came closer. I narrowed my eyes at him. I was the ex-oden, but I will regain power over the Rooks. Then I will make her suffer. I heard him think. "C'mon, punch me, kick me, show me see how strong you are." He said edging me on. My glass splintered hand clenched which resulted blood to ooze out. Control your temper, Angelyn. Suki telepathically said to me.

Run Jeremy! Its not too late to escape the Pit! You can still make it! You can- No I lied you can't. Sucks to  be you. Also I'm going to do my best not to nitpick, but... she spelled 'Odin' wrong. Its not 'o-d-e-n', but 'O-d-i-n.' Like the Norse god. Who was connected to the birds rooks. Obviously the Pitling missed this. And more from  the deus ex machina know as telepathy. So Jeremy goads her a little more, so she goes postal on him.

"Really? Because I think your Dad will be proud of all that strength." That's it; my temper reached its boiling point, spilling over like a volcano. I ran to him and punched him square in the face. I saw a drop of blood, but I didn't care. He fell to the floor, but I didn't stop. I sent punch after punch onto him. Whoops, so much for controlling my temper. I thought.

Whoops, I might have just beat the shit out of someone for relatively no reason. Oh well he was 'teh evils' so it doesn't matter. Also I spy another plot hole. If Jeremy knows Angelyn, then he would most likely know Ian as well, especially if he knows about their vaguely mentioned, never explained father. Seriously, that's another plot device just thrown around for the hell of it. We never find out why their dad is such an asshole, or why she hates him. Its just sort of stated as is. Seriously does Tower Prep now give you limited amnesia of people you're related to/know pretty personal details about you.

Anyways... Angelyn decided to give him a break. By setting him on fire. Yep. What a bitch.

I decided it was enough and backed off, but somehow a flame appeared. It spread and he started screaming, students tried to put him out, but it didn't work, it just surrounded his clothing. Then I remembered what CJ said, "You can set things ablaze, but on a human, you can only set their clothing on fire not the whole body." Then I had an idea,

That the author stop this story and spare the world from her terrible writing? Nah, that'd make too much sense. No she just commands the fire to stop and it does.

"Stop." I simply said, and the fire stopped. I sat down and ate. Nobody moved as much as speak. You can read minds and torture them through it. I remember CJ saying. I tuned into their thoughts,

"Wow, this is a dumb story I'm stuck in."

"How do you just lite clothes on fire? It makes no sense."

"This food taste's like crap."
"Pudding again? Why can't I have cake for once?"

No those aren't actual quotes, but they all make far more sense than the actual ones. 

"Whoah, she beat him up, and she's a girl." One said.

"That was terrifying, but beautiful." Another said. Weird, but flattering. I looked around and said,

"I am a crappy character. And I apologise to all of you for having to be in this crap." No but, see what I mean? Who thinks those kinds of things? Yes, the way you beat someone senseless is such a turn on. Also Jeremy has preflex (the ability to anticipate movements), so it would make no sense that he, you know, didn't see that coming at all. Throughout all the times Jeremy is mentioned, his ability is enhanced to ridiculously high levels. Also, that brings up another good point: When this takes place. 

See, Jeremy is only mentioned in two episodes, and the rest of the time he's locked in West Campus (the reform section of the school). I know there's such thing as taking liberties, but at least explain some things. I'll admit, I'm being a little nitpicky about some things (like this probably), but I'll try to stay away from it. Anyways Angelyn goes batshit crazy about other people's thoughts. Because, you know, those aren't private.

"What? Ever seen someone get beat up before?" I yelled.

"Yeah, but you're a girl!" A boy yelled.

"So you racist pigs are saying just because I'm a girl it means I can't crack a bone?"

"Yeah." Another yelled.

"You want to test that?" I yelled back.

Way to fail. The proper term would be 'sexist' not racist. Also the author can only make Angelyn look good by making every other person look bad. So she yells at the 'racist pigs' some more before the rest of the gang starts reacting properly. Somewhat.

CJ, Gabriel, Ian, and Suki looked at me as if I had grown a second head.
 "What? You look as though I had dropped down from space." I said.
 "You just beat up the ex-oden of the Rooks. The Rooks are these people who take something to… 

enhance their ability." Ian said.
 "I know, speaking of him," I said turning around "Go!" I yelled. He wouldn't budge so I tortured him. I made him see every mistake he made and the consequences. He screamed to stop, so I decided he had enough. "Go, now!" He scrambled out of the cafeteria and everyone avoided looking at me.

Upon first reading this, I thought she was talking about Ian. Logical conclusion, given that's who she was talking to in the previous line. But nope, that's Jeremy she just mindfucked. The addition of just one word can clear up a paragraph. The wonders of grammar when done correctly. Also how could Angelyn know about the Rooks' formula? What they took was a secret, even to the other members. Also the misspelling of Odin again. And more to make us dislike this horrendous, tacky, poorly thought out character:

"You do know, you have to go to orientation, right?" Gabriel asked.

"Eh." I said "I'm gonna skip that."

"Um, Ian tried that and he was sent to Headmasters office." CJ said.

"Then I'll beat his ass up."

Yes, that is by far the most logical train of thought. Let me beat the headmaster up. Yes, that is a brilliant plan where nothing can go wrong, except one tiny little thing:

 Everything. This is a horrible plan for several reasons.

1. This is a stupid plan for any remotely similar situation.
2. This is completely uncalled for. 
3. Her ass would be hauled off to West Campus in a heartbeat.
4. Not to mention I'm sure several characters wouldn't mind kicking the crap out of her after that.
5. Headmaster is an incredibly skilled fighter, to the point where he's trained several of the other faculty members, including Coach.
6. Headmaster isn't a villain. 

That last point: pretty important. Yes, let me beat up this man who's risking everything to try to save this school. That's the equivalent of having James Bond spying for you, then booting him in the nuts because he asked you to go to a meeting with him. Its just dumb. I'm getting off topic again, so let's wrap this chapter up.

Something flashed across her face when she said 'headmaster' If she doesn't go she'll be sent to dad's office. I heard her think. He's your father? Do the rest know? CJ jumped out of surprise. Don't tell anyone, please! I won't, but you will have to tell them sooner or later. I mean if they find out another way, that won't be good. I know, thanks and I'll tell them. Hey do you have a crush on my brother? She blushed. What? N-no, what would make you sa- , yeah I do. I smirked.

Well that entire paragraph was pointless. Utterly pointless. More so than the rest of this piece of crap. It does nothing to further this meager excuse of a story. Seriously, why? I mean, does it contribute anything to the shambles of a plot? No. Does it provide interesting, character building dialog? No. Does it make any sense? No. Not in the slightest bit. This is probably the contender for the worst piece so far in this drivel, right next to that odd run-on sentence in the first chapter.

Anyway, the chapter ends on a confusingly bad note:

"Are you guys having a telepathic conversation?" Gabriel said, just then I felt a strong pain in my left hand and I hissed in pain. 

"Here I'll take you to Nurse." CJ said. We got up and left.

"So, when are you planning to tell them about your father." I twinged at the word 'father'.

"Today, and I'm guessing something happened with yours with the way you twinged when you said father." 

So, she just passes out at the word 'father?' Seriously, what the hell? This comes out of nowhere. There could have at least been some explanation other than that. This is moronic in every way, shape, and form. Also, who's talking? I've read this about six times and its still confusing as fuck. Only start a new paragraph when a.) You start a new thought, b.) Someone new starts talking, or c.) Someone talking starts a new thought. None of that happened. Its CJ who's talking this entire time about the same thing.

Again I twinged and the pain in my hand worsened. It felt like it was on fire, no pun intended. I screamed, and fell to the ground. All I remembered was a boy with pale-ish skin pick me up, I think his name's Fenton. Well, I did say I think, it was hard to hear, like I was underwater. I then slipped into unconsciousness, even in this unconscious world I could feel the burning sensation.

How is being on fire a pun? Oh, ha cuz she can control fire. Lollercoster guys, lollercoster. No. Just no. I will have to nitpick again, but this is not a pun. This is a pun: *while staring at a fan* I am not a fan of this. Get it? Its not funny, but it works. I'd more classify that as irony. Both are completely different.

Also here comes the canon rape again! Next in line for this sodomy is Fenton, a character relative unexplored in the canon. Fenton does almost nothing and says little, so he's perfect for an author to mold to their horrid will. 

I've noticed that a lot of poor authors tend to do this. Rather than risk screwing up with writing a main character and being mocked for that, they'll write about minor characters to disguise the fact that they don't know how to properly characterize a character. Then again, she has no problems with butchering the main characters, so I'm sure that wasn't the case.

Ah, one down, one to go. This one's mercifully short, so I'll be able to breeze through the crap. It starts off by switching to third person. Odd, but whatever. Fenton carries Angelyn to the Nurse. Angelyn, being the ungrateful bitch she is, freaks out about this.

Angelyn didn't like being carried. Even unconscious she knew she was being picked up. She squirmed and Fenton almost dropped her.

Fenton then explains the situation to Nurse. Which makes it sound even stupider.

"Ms. Angelyn's glass broke and it splintered into her hand. Then she got into a fight. When she was headed here with CJ, she screamed and fell to the ground, unconscious."

Fenton sits in the office and waits for Angelyn. And also has an odd confessional of feelings with himself. 

Could it be possible that I have developed feelings for her? YES! His heart and mind screamed out. He heard the door open and he craned his neck and saw CJ.

Good to know you know how to give an awkward internal monologue. Always a useful skill to put on a resume. And now more from the only one who seems to know what the hell Angelyn can do, CJ:

"I just remembered something, even though Darkni are strong, they are more vulnerable as others. So imagine, our pain multiplied by three."

An attempt for the author to make her Mary-Sue race seem a little less overpowerful: Give them a really low pain tolerance. Except for the fact that she beat the shit out of Jeremy and broke his... something without a problem. If you hit someone, most likely you're going to feel something. Especially if you beat them to a pulp. Ugh, I'm giving myself a headache trying to bring logic into this trainwerck, so I'm going to stop. Also more from CJ in her new role as the exposition fairy:

"You like her don't you?" CJ asked smiling. Fenton blushed a deep shade of red and said, 

"I will not lie, I have developed feelings Ms. Angelyn, but she most likely doesn't feel the same way."

Well its nice to see they added a psychic to the Tower Prep universe. Oh wait, they didn't. CJ's just prone to giving unnecessary overexplanation and talking herself in a circle here. And it seems Fenton had been thrust into the role of 'stupid love interest.' Always a good role to be put into, of course. The chapter ends with Fenton and Angelyn talking. Angelyn says some more about her 'uber dangerous awesome kwai' life. And CJ's there.

"Like I was pushed off a building, twice, and trust me, I know how that feels like." Angelyn said with a small chuckle, wincing slightly when she tried to move her bangs out of her face. CJ took a clip from her hair and clipped Angelyn's bangs back. "Thanks." She smiled at CJ. Nurse came back and said she could go back now, so they all did. CJ said she needed to go, but when Angelyn wasn't looking she winked at Fenton and left, leaving him blushing.

Well there's a fifth chapter out as of my writing this, but I'll cover that in the next part. And I'm off to taunt the pittling some more. Stay tuned for more of my mocking of this piece of crap.

Fanfiction Failure

Well the Pit's full of it, so I have to start somewhere. Since this is my first blog of this kind, I'll start small. I'm not going to take the lazy way out and review something where 99% of the fans don't have a basic grasp of the English language or intelligence above that of a grapefruit. Therefore, at least for now, no Naruto, Twilight, or large communities like that. Nope, I'm picking on the little guys this time. This week: Tower Prep. Our story: Darkni always has family. God, just looking at this title I know this is going to be painful.


Some back-story on the show first. It was a live action show on Cartoon Network about students at a secretive boarding school for teenagers with special abilities. The main cast from left to right: Ian, a recent arrival at Tower with the ability to see a few seconds into the future with an ability called preflex. Suki, a girl who can mimic any voice she hears and the daughter of a donner to the school. Gabe, a guy with the ability to pursaude almost anyone. And finally CJ, the human lie detector.


Anyways our story starts off with our protagonist (who I will resist calling Mary-Sue) Angelyn having a normal night.

Well, I'm back, again. This time with fewer injuries, no broken leg or broken arm, just scratches and a gunshot graze on my cheek. Nothing on Facebook, figures. She thought. She put in her brother's name and looked at his profile.

First off, the fuck? Who is this and why should I care about her? Those questions aside, why the fuck is she talking about that like its no big deal. Anyway, lets just forget about that shitty little intro and move on to the poor excuse for a plot. So she goes and is taken to Tower and she meets with Suki.

"It's you, Suki." She ran up from the bed and hugged Suki.

"I missed you Angelyn."

"I missed you, too Suki. I can't believe it, you disappeared and I never heard a word from you again. Does he know?" We released from the hug and Suki looked Angelyn in the eye.

Gah, this fails so hard. Not too much to say other than 'Wait, what?' Also, its stated that Suki is her cousin. And she has a brother at Tower Prep already. Unless the author has another crappy Sue set up here, I spy canon rape 'round the corner. Plus note the change from third person to first. So moving on to another line just bathed in fail:

"I know my cousin I know and no I have not told him yet. That reminds me, you have to go see him."

I'm sorry, what? This line makes no sense. Its given by Suki. Reading it again made me realize that the problem not only comes from a missing comma, but the sheer amount of stupidity behind it. Well Mary-Sue  Angelyn is excited to see her brother.

"Eh, I don't care I want to see, Kuya!" Kuya means brother in Tagalog. See, Angelyn took her mom's genes, but her Kuya took his genes. And you can see the huge difference.

 Thank you for that random lesson in Tagalog. The first hint of Angelyn's appearance. This can only end badly. So Angelyn meets Ian and the others. And guess who her brother is, of the two male leads. If you said neither, well, I wish. Nope.

"Ok, guys I have a surprise for you." Suki slid off the hood and smiled. Two of the figures looked confused while the other's eyes widened. 

"Angelyn?" The bewildered figure asked. 

"Hello again Kuya Ian." I say with a smile.

Ignoring the awkward perspective switch again, what the hell author? I want you to look at that picture above. Look really hard. Does Ian look the slightest bit Filipino to you? If you said yes, you obviously have no idea what a Filipino looks like. This is a Fililpino twenty-something:

This is Drew Van Acker, the guy who plays Ian:

DOES HE LOOK THE SLIGHTEST BIT ASIAN TO YOU? The answer to that is a fat-assed NO! They don't even look like they could be cousins, let alone siblings, do they? This piece of shit is completely calling my suspension of disbelief in to question. 

Anyway, its probably suppose to be that they're half siblings, but really it doesn't matter at this point. The author is way too unclear about their actual sibling status for me to actually put some effort into thinking about it.

Back to this shitfest. I'm half tempted to give up, but only one more chapter so far, so I'll muscle through it.

"Well, um," I stuttered "Suki is our cousin." I said so quickly I would be surprised if he heard, but he did. His eyes bulged out. 

"What?" Everyone at the table but Suki and I yelled. Some people, looked at us, but then resumed eating. 

"Wait, Ang, how did you know Ian was here?" Suki said. My brows scrunched up in confusion.

Wait, what? So Ian knows Angelyn is his sister and she knows that Suki's her cousin. THEN HOW THE FUCK DIDN'T IAN KNOW THAT SUKI IS HIS COUSIN. Also Suki's Japanese, not Filipino to continue on my racial fail tanget. And good question Suki. The answer: No one cares. But no seriously, this is how:  

"Suks, you told me, well more to yourself." I said slowly.

"I didn't say it, I thought it." Suki said confused. Realization dawned on the boy named Gabriel's face.

"You can read minds!" He yelled out "Here, let's test it, what am I thinking about." I concentrated on his mind. She drinks black coffee? Wow.

 

"Yes, I do drink black coffee." I said taking a huge gulp, leaving it half way. Gabriel's eyes widened.

"Woah, that was exactly what I thought. Awsome, man."

 I'll ignore the bastardization of Gabe to pick out a finer detail: This scene is not only dumb and pointless, but it gives us a ridiculously powered character. See there was a reason I called her a Mary-Sue. Not just because I didn't like her. But wait, there's more:

"Isn't that hot?" CJ said. 

"Not to me." I said shrugging "Here feel it." Gabriel reached out his index and middle fingers to touch it, he barely even touched it and he cried out in pain. He put his two fingers into his mouth and said, 

"Ow, that hurt!" But since his fingers were in his mouth, it came out "Ow, thwat hwrut." I laughed and then said, 

"It doesn't really hurt for me." I said and CJ's eyes widened. 

"Wait, you can't feel heat? Has fire ever touched you, but you never got affected?" 

"Yeah, when I got kidnapped for like the third time, my kidnappers doused me in gasoline and lit me on fire. The flames were on me, but it felt like I was just sitting near a fireplace on a cold winter day." I said shrugging. CJ's eyes widened even more, if that was even possible. 

So this chick gets kidnapped not once, not twice, but three fucking times? Where does she live, Tijuana? Ignoring the fact that it'd be stupid to kidnap someone three times, she just completely shrugs it off like its some kind of play date. Also, its stupid for kidnappers to try to kill a hostage, especially in such an obvious manner. They should have just slit her throat. It would have saved the world from this monstrosity of a story.

"Wait, kidnapped? And for the third time?" Ian exclaimed and I just shrugged my shoulders. 

Apparently Ian feels the same way I did. Also isn't this suppose to be her brother? How do you not know you're sister's missing. I can just imagine this conversation at the breakfast table.


"Mom, have you seen Angelyn?"


"No she's been kidnapped."


"Tell her to get some cereal while she's out."


Again, my suspension of disbelief is thrown completely out the window and curb stomped to death by the author and her stupidity. 

"C-can you light things on fire with your hand or any body part?" CJ said, I thought about it and said, 

"Well, there was this one time when I was seven and Ian was eight. I accidentally light his pants on fire when I was going to tug his pants a bit to gets his attention…" 

I laughed recalling that day, the others laughed at that,too, but CJ's eyes bulged out so much, I thought they would fall out of her sockets.

 Yes its funny that you almost kill your brother with you're stupid Mary-Sue powers. Go on, laugh it up you morons. So far CJ's the only one who has the reaction of a normal person, but its completely out of character for her so the author gets no points for realism there.

"Y-you're a Darkni." She stuttered out. 

"Excuse me, but I'm a what?" I said confused.

That was my reaction to. Apparently I'll have to wait for the author to clarify. The explanation is far from satisfying:

"You're a Darkni; it's having the ability of Darkniramus, Darkni for short. You have super strength; you can read minds and torture them through it. You don't get affected by heat, but by the exception of the heat from the sun. You can control the five elements, earth, air, fire, and water. You can set things ablaze, but on a human, you can only set their clothing on fire not the whole body." Just as she finished, someone burst through the double-doors, nobody looked, as if it were normal, but in came a familiar face I hated to see every time I did, or in this case, do.

Ok, first off: way too much exposition. Secondly: Too much conveniently delivered exposition. So CJ just happens to know about whatever race/magical species/cult/whatever Angelyn is a part of? Why does she know? How does she know about them? Why has no one else heard of it? And is she really Filipina after all this? All of these would be important questions if I cared.


These are all alright powers, but not in the realm of Tower Prep. Almost all abilities are physical, and students only have one ability. Also they're all piled together to make for one fail of character who was already too power before this info dump. And just being able to light someone's clothes on fire is stupid.


Also, the author just made up whatever the hell a Darkni is. It sounds like a Digimon shipping to me. You can't just make up something and slap it in a fanfiction with no just cause or reasoning. That's what original fiction is for. I'd be a little more forgiving of this character (key word little), hell this story in general, if it wasn't fanfiction. It the author was legitimately trying to come up with her own ideas in her own universe, it'd be mediocre at best, but it would have more merit than a lazy, poorly written fanfiction with character's names tacked on to bland stand ins. 


The chapter ends on a cliffhanger (if you can call it that) with a mysterious figure walking in and taunting Angelyn.


Thus ends the story, for now. I'm sure the author has intentions of continuing this car crash of a story. And I'll be here to snark it. Also 10 bucks says the mystery character at the end is Ray, a bully in the show. And another 10 bucks that he'll be poorly written and out-of-character. Also fun fact: Suki's actress is really 30 and Ian's actor is 25.

The Purpose of This...

Well I create this blog to showcase some of the stranger things the internet has to offer. First up: Fanfiction.net. Most blogs post will be about sheer amount of fail I tend to find of that site. Its a little demented how much freaky shit there is there. From slash to bizarre crossovers that shouldn't exist, this site has everything and tends to get the rep as the ass of the internet. Between there and DeviantART, those are two sights I hear that get the most hate. While a lot of it is deserved, its a little ridiculous how much most people tend to hate people on both of these sites.